When I was 18 years old and in high school, I had what I considered to be a serious boyfriend. I was head over heels in love with this guy, and thought he was wonderful. It was pretty obvious to literally EVERYONE else that this was a bad idea, except for perhaps my one friend whom he managed to convince to become his surreptitious girlfriend. Yeah. He was a great catch. What were we thinking? She and I are both well rid of that asshole. (Er, no offense to any of his relatives who might very well be reading this, as they are awesome.) Anyway, during my senior year of high school, when I was besotted with said asshole, two teachers (who were at the time former teachers) took me aside on different occasions to tell me that my boyfriend was a bad apple and a bad influence, and advised me that perhaps I should consider finding someone different. At the time, I simply felt awkward and uncomfortable during those conversations, and of course, I thought they had no idea what they were talking about. Looking back, it is nice to think that they were able to see that I was in way over my head in a bad relationship and tried to help me out, instead of simply looking the other way.
I bring all this up because one of my students is reminding me a lot of my high school self these days. She is sixteen, incredibly smart, very motivated, and an excellent student – one of my best. And she is completely in love with her boyfriend. I can totally understand what she sees in him: he’s very attractive, and is sixteen as well, although he looks older. He’s incredibly smart and funny, and he’s got that bad-boy thing going on that so many girls fall for. To top it off, comes from a pretty well-off family, which in a country like Kyrgyzstan can definitely be added to the plus column when rating a potential suitor. Sounds like a great catch, huh? Well, he wears this shiny rhinestone belt-buckle, decorated with a marijuana leaf, and his dream is to go to Amsterdam to “smoke the ganja” as he says. He’s also a total punk in class – smart, but much more interested in showing off in front of everyone else, making lewd jokes and whatnot. Those are pretty typical teenage boy kind of behaviors, but... Today he came into class with a video on his cell phone which he and his friends had edited and set to music. The video was shot yesterday. It was a video of him and two friends beating the shit out of another boy. Granted, the other boy fought back (the student in question came to class with an obviously bruised and swollen jaw), but he was no match for three other boys in tandem. By the end of the video, the victim was on the ground while the three others (including my student) kicked and beat him repeatedly. This was the video that they’d taken the time to edit, set to music, and load onto their cell phones. Let’s just say it was incredibly disturbing. Plus he was proud of it. I did lecture him about his behavior, but he obviously took my admonishments as some kind of a joke. I’d love to take his girlfriend aside and suggest to her that he is a bad apple and a bad influence, and that perhaps she should consider finding someone different... but I know exactly how she would react.
I bring all this up because one of my students is reminding me a lot of my high school self these days. She is sixteen, incredibly smart, very motivated, and an excellent student – one of my best. And she is completely in love with her boyfriend. I can totally understand what she sees in him: he’s very attractive, and is sixteen as well, although he looks older. He’s incredibly smart and funny, and he’s got that bad-boy thing going on that so many girls fall for. To top it off, comes from a pretty well-off family, which in a country like Kyrgyzstan can definitely be added to the plus column when rating a potential suitor. Sounds like a great catch, huh? Well, he wears this shiny rhinestone belt-buckle, decorated with a marijuana leaf, and his dream is to go to Amsterdam to “smoke the ganja” as he says. He’s also a total punk in class – smart, but much more interested in showing off in front of everyone else, making lewd jokes and whatnot. Those are pretty typical teenage boy kind of behaviors, but... Today he came into class with a video on his cell phone which he and his friends had edited and set to music. The video was shot yesterday. It was a video of him and two friends beating the shit out of another boy. Granted, the other boy fought back (the student in question came to class with an obviously bruised and swollen jaw), but he was no match for three other boys in tandem. By the end of the video, the victim was on the ground while the three others (including my student) kicked and beat him repeatedly. This was the video that they’d taken the time to edit, set to music, and load onto their cell phones. Let’s just say it was incredibly disturbing. Plus he was proud of it. I did lecture him about his behavior, but he obviously took my admonishments as some kind of a joke. I’d love to take his girlfriend aside and suggest to her that he is a bad apple and a bad influence, and that perhaps she should consider finding someone different... but I know exactly how she would react.
8 comments:
But you know, even if she didn't dump him then (which she wouldn't), chances are she'd filed it in the back of her head.
After years of being in a bad relationship my best friend made it known--in a very subtle way--that he was there for me if I needed any support.
A year after I ended that relationship, my parents finally admitted they always hated it. I WISH they'd said something so I could know that my gut feelings were right! I wasn't into trusting my gut back then...
You could still let her know, even though it will probably SEEM to go in one ear and out the other, it probably won't.
I'm not sure if it is a teacher's place to say something to a student about relationships, unless the relationship is abusive. Obviously your teachers were right 10 years ago, and even though the advice you ignored was fantastic, I don't really see how it was "their business."
Young girls in bad relationships with bad guys are just idiots. Plain and simple. The rush that comes with being with a bad boy and knowing its wrong is what makes everything so exciting and wonderful... until something really bad happens. I thank the gods everyday that I'm no longer a teenager or in my early 20's.
I would say something to her. She would probably ignore you, but maybe not. Plus, even if she doesn't take immediate action, I bet that one day she would feel good to realize that someone saw something better in her than what she saw in herself.
Melissa
One of the reasons people stay in bad relationships is fear of being alone. Even if your advice is taken immediately, you've at least planted an idea that there are better things than being stuck in a bad relationship.
Gah, I really don't know what (if anything to do). One of the other teachers commented to me about this student's choice of boyfriend, and he agrees with me that the guy is Bad News. But I know she wouldn't listen... perhaps she has to do as so many of us have done and learn the hard way...
Even if she wouldn't listen, and even if she gets defensive, I think you should talk to her very VERY respectfully. When I was in a monstrously bad relationship, most people either left me to figure it out on my own or talked to me as if I was an idiot for not seeing how horrible he was (a lot like gwen's advice, above). Of course, that just made me want/need to be with him more. But I had one aunt who wrote me a very personal and respectful letter and that's what really stuck in my head.
Just my two cents.
I'm with Melissa and Jen. Talk to her. Of course she won't leave him based solely on your advice, but it might make some difference, esp if she has already been questioning the relationship in the back of her mind (which is likely).
I say that as long as you can make it clear that you're coming from a place of compassion and understanding, and that you're not judging her, you should talk to her. I'm not very far removed from this girl's situation myself, I'm nineteen and my high school boyfriend was a REAL shithead. There were many people, students and teachers, at my high school who simply acted like jerks to us, but my guidance counselor didn't--he just made it very clear to me that he was there to talk if I needed him. Once I finally did end things with my boyfriend, I still didn't like the people who had been judgmental jerks--even if they had been at least partially right--but I did like the people who were purposefully nonjudgmental and kind.
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